My Anxiety Story

This story starts back in the summer of 2014 when my symptoms of my anxiety really took hold and I got myself to the doctors for some help.

I have always been more emotional than some people and certainly am a big over thinker of everything in life so I can see traits of anxiety right back to when I was about 12-13. And during my life I have experienced a lot of death and illness and seen a lot of things that you wouldn't want to. 

But around July I noticed that I seemed to be crying a lot for no apparent reason and would sob for a good 15 minutes before I could calm down, my other half got a little bit worries so made me make an appointment with the doctor which I did. When I was the doctor I spoke to him about a few things that went around in my mind a lot and that could maybe contribute to the way I have been over the past few weeks. He decided to refer me to for Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to see if we could work out a way of controlling these tearful states.

I had the CBT course over the phone with a female therapist and found a few reasons why this could be happening. I spoke about being frightened of dying and the idea that everything that we own, that we are will at one point be forgotten, the idea of closing my eyes and never opening them again to see my daughter or feel the sun again. This still gets me to this day but I am able to control my emotions a lot better (no thanks to the CBT course). The first two weeks went fine and I started to cope a little better, I did what I was told and wrote down the things I needed to. 

Two days before my third session I was on the phone to my Mum and Dad and an advert for Sainsbury's came on, the Christmas one about the football match between the English and the Germans. I had seen it a few times but all of the sudden my mind went into overdrive and all I could think about was that everyone during that match would probably be dead, but here I am kind of watching it. 

I went dizzy, started hypo ventilating and felt dreadfully sick and needing the loo. I could not calm myself down, I was in the house with only Lilly (who was in bed, Liam was doing overtime) and my parents at the end of the phone. I remember I kept saying 'I'm going to die, I can't breathe' I was sobbing, walking up and down like it would help. My poor Mum was at the end of the phone trying her very hardest to calm me down but was worried sick as it wasn't working. I had never had a panic attack before and I didn't know it was that until I had researched it after.

My Mum told me to calm and told me she would ring back in a few. I ended up calling the number I had but as it was out of calling hours I ended up ringing the Samaritans who were truly amazing. A young gentleman answered the phone to where I said 'I don't know if this is the right place to call but I don't know what to do.' he just listened to what I had to say and tried to take my mind off of the thoughts I was still having, I ended up ringing off and rang mum back. 

Luckily not long after Liam arrived home from doing overtime so I passed the phone over to Liam for Mum to explain everything that she had heard and how to help, all I did was cry and hug him. It took a long time for me to feel calm that night and for me to actually be able to get some sleep. 

I felt awful the next day but we went back to our normal routine as best as we could. Both me and Liam went to work but I felt so ill, still panicy and tired. I told me supervisor what had happened and she said that she would keep an eye on me, they were fantastic. I ended up buying some Kalms which really helped me. I ended up making another doctors appointment which I was then put onto Citalopram 10mg to help with it. They really did help and have also helped me come to terms with how to calm myself.

I have had two 'major' panic attacks since, one on Christmas day evening which I was physically sick and another just a few days ago where I felt such a horrible burning sensation though me body. I am more in control of my anxiety and can usually get myself out of a funk but this year hasn't helped with everything. But I do believe that having that anxiety had helped me cope better with Mum and with other situations around me.

I am writing this because I want to remember what I have managed to overcome and hopefully help people with theirs.