Losing my Mum | 2 months on
I was never expecting to lose my mum at the age of 25, I don't think anyone does, but my mum was always so strong, conquered so much and fought so many illnesses and obstacles that in my head she was invincible.
I don't quite know how to process my feelings lately because I know at the end she was very unwell and had a great way of hiding it but she is my mum, I need her so much. She has literally been the person who I have been able to open up to about everything, she was my best friend and my guide.
Sometimes I think that I am relieved that she is not in pain anymore but most of the time I hate that she is not around anymore, I will never get a phone call about an ambulance that has rolled in on to there estate or a moan about Dad, I will never watch Lil's hold on to the back of her mobility scooter laughing her head off again.
I am so proud of the women who brought me up, she was an incredible lady who touched a lot of hearts and proved a lot of professionals wrong. I may have had to grow up quicker but I am grateful for learning lessons from her.
It's all a bit deja vu though as this is pretty much what happened when I was young, I lost my Grandma when I was just 5 after her being in hospital and Lilly is only 4. I am so glad that my Mum got to meet Lilly and vice versa but it makes me sad knowing that Mum will never watch her grow up, and Lilly won't know my mum in the way I would have liked her too, in physical form, not just memories.
My mum spent the last nine weeks of her life still fighting battles but that's time that might not have enough been if my Dad hadn't have found her. I am so grateful that we got that extra time, we shared an ice lolly and had a few laughed, I got to tell her that I love her more and Lilly went in weekly too.
The first few days after her death I was completely numb, I felt nothing. I was tired, drained and at a loss with my thoughts and emotions. This then went on to sadness but not very strongly, it still hadn't really sunk in. The two days that were hard in the first month were the day I saw her in the chapel of rest and her funeral, I felt pain like I have never felt but at least she looked peaceful.
This past month has been the hardest, a true roller-coaster of emotions. I have cried over the smallest thing, from Lilly space rocket cup to just a simple thought. It will hit me at the strangest of moments and I will just cry, when doing the washing up to getting ready for a shower.
I am so grateful for having 25 year with my Mum, we have made some wonderful memories, she has taught me to be the mum I am and has been my best friend from day one. It still doesn't fully seem real but I am going to make her proud and live in her memory.